Fake Happy.

“I love making you believe
What you get is what you see
But I’m so fake happy
I feel so fake happy
And I bet everybody here
Is just as insincere
We’re all so fake happy
And I know fake happy”

Fake Happy‘ by Paramore

I have my good days and when they are good, they are good. Smiles, laughter (the tears of joy, streaming down your face, can hardly breath it’s so funny kind), feeling like nothing can touch you. The bad days are not so grand. A head full of conflicting thoughts, constantly thinking people dislike like me and are facing nice to make me feel wanted, the tears (uncontrollable and unwarrented), the general feeling of loneliness.

I’v been to therapy. It’s taught me talking, writing, expressing my feelings and problems are something good. I’ve been on the anti-depressants. The feeling of being a zombie unable to really feel whats happening to me is not the route I felt was right, the doctor did. How do doctors do that? Just think that pushing pills on the population rather than help them with an alternative solution is best?

I’m still fighting the demons. That battle will always be present. It’s not something you can just not see and understand it’s not going to be there. But I am getting better. I’ve let more people into my world in the last year then in the last 20 odd years. Have come a long way. I really have. I’m so proud of myself for that.

But today, today is just one of those shit days. Maybe a shit week if I’m this exhausted by the end of it. I’m feeling lonely and a little left out of things. Feeling like a child again. The little weird kid with the funny accent from another country that just doesn’t fit in or connect. Yet now I’m an adult and it’s the same. The weird adult with the odd accent in her home country just trying to connect but not many want to….I’m okay. I just needed to write and release something. Even if it wasn’t much, it’s something.

I just need sleep. And a cuddle.

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